Pretend to be Nice

Teacher-Moms, on the edge…

I don’t have a phobiaaaaccckkKKK!

I’m not scared of anything.  I mean, I’d rather not sleep in a bed of spiders but I don’t think I have any irrational fears of heights or clowns.

creepy-clowns-05

 

Well, I didn’t think I did – until I got married.

 

Let’s talk about feet.  I mean, come on, just a simple google search is enough to push anyone over the edge.

feet

 

I’ve never been a huge fan of this appendage.  Mine are fine, and yours are fine (as long as you keep them to yourself).  I think the marriage of feet and cooties was ingrained and solidified while I was a spring board diver.  Let’s face it…that’s a lot of feet…bare feet. I have seen the gambit of locker rooms and none of them are ever really that clean and NONE are dry.  I’m no science whiz, but I grew up in Houston and trained in Florida – I don’t have to image what grows in warm, dark, wet places.  To make matters even worse, when we got in trouble (late for practice, bad attitude, etc.) my coach would make us clean the diving boards.  Talk about a petri dish!  That thing is just a freakishly large pumice stone…that anyone can use…all day…every day… You DO NOT want to know the gunk that comes off that thing.  Other than gagging (and never getting in trouble again) I just tried not to think about it.  I wasn’t in a relationship so I didn’t have to worry about constant encounters – down there – until I got married.  So I just don’t offer to give foot massages and I wear socks…a lot.

 

It didn’t get any better when I had kids.

baby-foot-in-mouth-©-dinel-300x200

Those are cute toes, but I don’t have to put them in my mouth to show you how much I love you.

 

So it’s all funny haha to pick on me and taunt me…until everyone almost dies…which was the last serious foot incident.  When someone decided it would be a big fat laugh to put their wet, wrinkly, smelly, been in shoes all day at the amusement park, grody flanges on me while I was driving.  Near death – no lie!

 

My next issue is with saliva.  It’s in your mouth for a reason, let’s just leave it there.  If I can train every dog I’ve ever owned not to lick me – surely I can train my family.

Come on people, is this really necessary?

Come on people, is this really necessary?

My youngest daughter had so much of the wet stuff that her older brother asked, “Is that normal?” every time he fed her.  (Hence the nickname: Drooley Julie.)  So my question is – why does my husband feel compelled to lick my hair or arm or whatever is closest, when I’m winning an argument?  Why can’t he just take it like a man, accept defeat, and curl up in the fetal position begging for forgiveness…no, wait, that’s what I do when he licks me…UGH!  “Stop licking me” should not be in anyone’s top 5 daily statements, just sayin’.

Did you know your body produces enough saliva in the course of your life time to fill 2 swimming pools?  My family is closer to 3 or 4.

Did you know your body produces enough saliva in the course of your lifetime to fill 2 swimming pools? My family is closer to 3 or 4.

 

That’s a direct tie-in to coughing and sneezing.  Who hasn’t seen the movie Outbreak?  Or watched Mythbusters?  Add that to the fact that I’m a teacher and you can surely feel my pain.  Stop!  Just stop!  Everything about it is gross!   So gross, in fact, that when I feel bad and want to throw up – all my husband has to do is cough on me.

barf

 

The only semi-safe, won’t make me immediately lose my lunch, way to quickly expulse air and saliva is in your shirt.  Pull open the neck and re-infect yourself!

 

It’s not really a phobia I have, I just need people to keep their shit to themselves!

 

Silly me, I started doing some research and apparently I’m OCD borderline contamination obsessive and a minor in podophobia.  (Nothing another drink can’t cure.)

 

 


* *Late Breaking News * *

Yesterday my son went to the water park with his friend.  You would think that flashing naked toes would encourage you to put your toebest foot forward, so to speak, and trim things up.  Nope!  He went out in public – loud and proud – with his freakish toe talons, stubbed his toe, and it split half way up the quick!

HA!  Do you believe your mother now?!

Scott:  It just bled a lot, but it’s ok now, but I’m not going to trim it.  What if it starts to bleed again?

UGH!  They have ears, but they don’t listen.

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13 comments on “I don’t have a phobiaaaaccckkKKK!

  1. pavanneh
    July 22, 2014

    I have to admit that feet are my least favorite body part to look at. Other than unmentionable parts that should not be seen in public. Gosh I am a prude! :p

    • Kevil
      July 22, 2014

      I’m a big fan of modesty, especially after spending so much time at the water park this summer. I should not be ashamed of wearing a swimsuit, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go out and buy a bikini today…

      • pavanneh
        July 22, 2014

        Lol..my bikini days are over. I love my Step Mom who is 73 and she still has a nice body, but I can’t deal with her wearing her bikinis from when she was 20. But, hey…more power to her if that is what she wants to do. At her age let her enjoy her life.

  2. Hugh's Views and News
    July 22, 2014

    It’s not the feet but the toe nails that I’m frightened about. Why are they even there? And as for toe nail clippings…that is another story and I do not want to spoil your dinner.

    • Kevil
      July 22, 2014

      pahahaha! Good thing dinner was settled! And I agree with the nails. They’re just conversation competition about how everyone lost theirs

  3. elkelorraine
    July 22, 2014

    Nice feet don’t bother me…but saliva? Gross. Nothing nice about it. Doesn’t matter how cute you are, your saliva is still gross. And baby saliva? I have three kids and it’s never been cute. The amount of bibs I’d go through in a week just to absorb the nastiness. Thanks for the out loud laughs.

    • Kevil
      July 22, 2014

      UGH! I remember all those bibs, and they were never dry. We used to call Julia’s “neck rot”. She got a ton of baths and you still never knew what you would find when she looked up.

  4. Tempest Rose
    July 22, 2014

    I have weird feet. Most of my friends just make fun of me for it. Jack, however, hates feet and the fact that mine are weird REALLY grosses him out. Like, my feet can’t be anywhere near him, ever.

    I’m getting there on the saliva thing. When Holden was a baby I didn’t mind. Now that he’s 3 and won’t stop licking his fingers and then touching my face, I’m starting to lose my mind a bit.

    • Kevil
      July 22, 2014

      It doesn’t get any better when they get older…wait till you see them licking their fingers and then you think to yourself…no, never mind, let’s not think what I think to myself – I feel my dinner rumbling again 😛

  5. Pingback: These Feet Were Made for Walking | Nonsense & Shenanigans

  6. alwayssavannah
    July 24, 2014

    Wow I had never even thought about the prospect of cleaning a diving board…yikes. Great post; I too share some of those fears!

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This entry was posted on July 22, 2014 by in OMG, You're Hilarious and tagged , , , , , , , .
TeacherPop

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TeacherPop

| A blog for new teachers, hosted by Teach For America.

DFW Writers Workshop

Writers helping writers since 1977

The Social Norma

"I don't cut the ribbon at the opening of markets. I don't stand next to the mayor. Hit your baseball into my yard, and you'll never see it again." - Tom Waits

autismthoughts

My experiences with autism, depression, and life

LisaListed

The best things in life aren't things at all

The Zero-Waste Chef

No packaging. Nothing processed. No waste.

Notes From Dawn

with hope, life is more than just bearable

Properly Ridiculous

Mostly Pleasant [Possibly Offensive] Perceptions

Officially Gluten Free

Have your cake and eat it too, without feeling sick.

Chaos Girl & the Real World

{A Slightly Disjointed Life}

5powerdotorg.wordpress.com/

Chronicles from the Mama Duck - Raising teenagers...family...faith...

anntogether

AM Roselli's art & writing site

User Generated Education

Education as it should be - passion-based.

Sass & Balderdash

Always tongue in cheek, often egg on face.

Live to Write - Write to Live

We live to write and write to live ... professional writers talk about the craft and business of writing

coolcookstyle

Find it, cook it, make it your own.

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

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