Pretend to be Nice

Teacher-Moms, on the edge…

Dear K-Evil: Do you have Dr. Ruth’s number?

Dear K-Evil,

The cat’s out of the bag the dick’s out of the drawer.  I knew “the talk” was right around the corner, but I had no idea my secret drawer wasn’t secret any more.  I always said I was going to be open and honest with my kids, but I think I’m still in shock (and a little bit of denial).  How do I explain the pirate booty they found without having to explain more than they need to know?pirates_booty_undies

My booty is my booty!

Sincerely,

Caught red-handed, holding the banana.

 

 

Dear AAARRRRRR H.B.H. (red-handed banana holder),

You should take your kids to see the new movie Neighbors and let media do your job for you!

Just kidding – that’s what I would do!  What should you do?  I don’t know, but I’m sure I could come up with something ridiculous…

 

doll-parts1)  Depending on the age of your children you could call them back-up parts for dolls.  Then run to the store and buy your kids dolls to perpetuate your lie.  You’ll be safe until they stop playing with dolls.

 

2)  Lock them in the closet and feed them breakfast bars.  Make sure they are college age when you let them out and ship them off to school and let them learn about it the good ‘ole fashioned way.

 

3)  Tell them it’s for a circus act you’ve been practicing.  They are for juggling…or jiggling…or giggling…(ok, maybe not giggling)  Then act shocked.  Tell them you can’t give away your circus secrets or they can’t go to the big top this year.

 

3)  Say, “HEY!  Look at that chicken!” and then ground them!  What the heck are they doing going through your drawers?! Tums have never been kept in that drawer, why would they think they were there this time?   They have their own drawers, and if they don’t – shame on you.  Run to the store and buy drawers…lots of them!

 

banana holder

4) Bite the bullet and tell them anything and everything they never wanted to hear about it.  Make sure you ask questions like, “did you touch it?  Because you might want to go wash your hands…did you know it goes here?” (with lots of hand gestures)  Make sure you include details about lubrication and proper hygiene.  You could even include a sex education lesson to included condom practice and pictures of STDs.  Hey…if they want to know…throw them in the deep end!

sex gif

 

Or, maybe you should just go to the movies…

Good luck and good O!

K-Evil

 

This PSA was circulating on facebook and I just couldn’t pass it up!

And this from brobible.

 

Here are more Dear K-Evil letters.

Want to read about how to say no without saying no?  

Have you had a pick pocket?

 

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8 comments on “Dear K-Evil: Do you have Dr. Ruth’s number?

  1. Claudette
    May 25, 2014

    🙂 funny as

  2. pavanneh
    May 25, 2014

    OMG…I am so lucky my kids never found my “toy” chest.

  3. Kevil
    May 25, 2014

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure my parents had sex exactly once (I’m an only child) 😉 I heard friends talk about walking in on their parents…not once – ever – me or my kids.

  4. paige
    May 26, 2014

    I don’t think anything prepares a kid to find the chest(drawer) of nightmares…. I suggest keeping a lock on it…. Or putting them in a safe!! Those kids are already scarred though… There’s no recovery. I say, hide them elsewhere, and ignore any and all questions they ask about it. Sex talk whenever you and they are ready, but nobody needs to know about the toys hahaha.

    • Kevil
      May 27, 2014

      no recovery…pahahahaha! Nothing prepares a married adult woman for it either…I’m not sure which is worse. Perhaps I was too sheltered (or my parents were REALLY good hiders).

  5. Pingback: The voices in my head. | Pretend to be Nice

  6. Pingback: Dear K-Evil, I want to say no… | Pretend to be Nice

  7. Pingback: Dear K-Evil: We have a hoarder. | Pretend to be Nice

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This entry was posted on May 24, 2014 by in OMG, You're Hilarious, Uncategorized, You're SUCH a Good Mom and tagged , , , .
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TeacherPop

| A blog for new teachers, hosted by Teach For America.

DFW Writers Workshop

Writers helping writers since 1977

The Social Norma

"I don't cut the ribbon at the opening of markets. I don't stand next to the mayor. Hit your baseball into my yard, and you'll never see it again." - Tom Waits

autismthoughts

My experiences with autism, depression, and life

LisaListed

The best things in life aren't things at all

The Zero-Waste Chef

No packaging. Nothing processed. No waste.

Notes From Dawn

with hope, life is more than just bearable

Properly Ridiculous

Mostly Pleasant [Possibly Offensive] Perceptions

Officially Gluten Free

Have your cake and eat it too, without feeling sick.

Chaos Girl & the Real World

{A Slightly Disjointed Life}

5powerdotorg.wordpress.com/

Chronicles from the Mama Duck - Raising teenagers...family...faith...

anntogether

AM Roselli's art & writing site

User Generated Education

Education as it should be - passion-based.

Sass & Balderdash

Always tongue in cheek, often egg on face.

Live to Write - Write to Live

We live to write and write to live ... professional writers talk about the craft and business of writing

coolcookstyle

Find it, cook it, make it your own.

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

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