Pretend to be Nice

Teacher-Moms, on the edge…

Snort This

 

When at first you’re not cured keep listening to your friend’s crazy advice, because going to a doctor is just ridiculous.  This is my mantra.  It has, after all, been since the birth of my youngest daughter since I’ve been to the doctor.  Is it bad that she’s 9?  Don’t judge.

So I tried the netti pot and lived.  I thought it was working, but the infection was as bad as my husband had been preaching and my daughter-in-law (the doctor) had predicted.  I was in countdown mode and had less than 48 hours to fake them both out before I lost my no doctor streak.  In conveying my dilemma to Andrea, she gave me expert advice…goldensealyou should snort something.  Under normal circumstances, with a nasal/sinus issue, this sounds perfectly reasonable, but what she was telling me to snort sounded a little suspect.  “Just go to a health food store and get Goldenseal capsules.  Open them up, pour out the contents, and snort.”  Oh great, this is going to cost me $100 plus whatever the capsules cost – I mean you have to snort stuff with a Ben Franklin right?  That’s how they do it on TV. (I’m an expert because I watch crime dramas.)

Apparently a straw is acceptable, unless you’re hanging with your homies.  (Good thing I don’t have those.)  But I did make my teen-aged son witness the “what not to do” portion of my “don’t do drugs” parenting “do as I say, not as I do” lesson.  I’m that kind of mom.

SSSSSNNNNNNIIIIIIFFFFFFFF!!!!!  WOWZA!  That was AWFUL!  It was like being on the wrong end of an Egyptian sandstorm that tasted like ground tree bark that makes you cough like you got suckered into the cinnamon challenge and lost while someone poked you in the eye.  I’m sure I’m not doing the experience justice – because it was 10 times worse than what I just described.

snort

Now I am forever at the mercy of my first born.  He has the goods on me.  He can get anything he wants.  He has just witnessed his mother cutting lines and doing rails of Goldenseal on her bathroom vanity.  “Just remember, if they take me away you will have to raise your sisters.”  That may be my only saving grace.

The next morning I felt like a million bucks!  NO LIE!  I was cured!  Or, at least, much further from death’s door that I had been knocking on for a week solid.  I didn’t want the girls to see me modeling the inappropriate movie we had watched the previous week, so I hid in the closet and perpetuated the drug use euphemisms – doing a couple bumps – before going to work.  I continued this protocol for the next 36 hours.  It was official – Goldenseal kicked the sinus infection!

Now I was off to share my medical advice with my friends!  I’m no doctor, but my daughter-in-law is and my best friend just cured my week long ailment – that should make me 1/8 expert at least!  I’m no sales person either, but I’m pretty sure I could have sold some snake oil or onion jam off the back end of a cart in the day because I had everyone’s attention.  They were almost eager to have a raging sinus infection so they could snort powder that was clearly intended to be taken orally.

The best reaction I got from my unofficial prescription sharing was Andrea’s own sister.  She had the Sullivan nod, was totally engaged, and I even gave her some capsules.  She was in – hooked!  I must have let it slip that it was  Andrea whohad given me the miracle cure.  Her body language mimicked the tone in her voice, “and you believed her?”

Of course!  She’s not my sister!

Advertisements

3 comments on “Snort This

  1. Shannon
    April 1, 2014

    I laughed the whole time I was reading. I don’t have a sinus infection but you did test out my bladder.

  2. Kevil
    April 1, 2014

    Go potty and come back and read another one 😉

  3. Mystic Comfort
    April 16, 2014

    Now, I have always taken the echinacea/goldenseal combo orally when I needed it, but I can see why snorting it might be even more powerful! Glad it worked.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on March 25, 2014 by in DAMN, You Smell Nice, OMG, You're Hilarious and tagged , , , , , , , , .
TeacherPop

| A blog for new teachers, hosted by Teach For America.

DFW Writers Workshop

Writers helping writers since 1977

The Social Norma

"I don't cut the ribbon at the opening of markets. I don't stand next to the mayor. Hit your baseball into my yard, and you'll never see it again." - Tom Waits

autismthoughts

My experiences with autism, depression, and life

LisaListed

The best things in life aren't things at all

The Zero-Waste Chef

No packaging. Nothing processed. No waste.

Properly Ridiculous

Mostly Pleasant [Possibly Offensive] Perceptions

Officially Gluten Free

Have your cake and eat it too, without feeling sick.

Chaos Girl & the Real World

{A Slightly Disjointed Life}

Tales from the Mama Duck

Raising Young Adults...Family...Faith

anntogether

AM Roselli's art & writing site

User Generated Education

Education as it should be - passion-based.

Sass & Balderdash

Always tongue in cheek, often egg on face.

Live to Write - Write to Live

We live to write and write to live ... professional writers talk about the craft and business of writing

coolcookstyle

Find it, cook it, make it your own.

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

NextDraft

The Day's Most Fascinating News

TeacherPop

| A blog for new teachers, hosted by Teach For America.

DFW Writers Workshop

Writers helping writers since 1977

The Social Norma

"I don't cut the ribbon at the opening of markets. I don't stand next to the mayor. Hit your baseball into my yard, and you'll never see it again." - Tom Waits

autismthoughts

My experiences with autism, depression, and life

LisaListed

The best things in life aren't things at all

The Zero-Waste Chef

No packaging. Nothing processed. No waste.

Properly Ridiculous

Mostly Pleasant [Possibly Offensive] Perceptions

Officially Gluten Free

Have your cake and eat it too, without feeling sick.

Chaos Girl & the Real World

{A Slightly Disjointed Life}

Tales from the Mama Duck

Raising Young Adults...Family...Faith

anntogether

AM Roselli's art & writing site

User Generated Education

Education as it should be - passion-based.

Sass & Balderdash

Always tongue in cheek, often egg on face.

Live to Write - Write to Live

We live to write and write to live ... professional writers talk about the craft and business of writing

coolcookstyle

Find it, cook it, make it your own.

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

NextDraft

The Day's Most Fascinating News

%d bloggers like this: